All I Want To Do Is Dance

Just Do It

My nickname is Pavlova.  My first time ballet class ever was in my late 40's.  I had no idea how to stand at the barre or what foot to use.  Life had brought me to begin to study ballet...no idea why.  My friends named me Pavlova because I was always in class.  With every injury I had they would say...Are you sure you should be taking so many classes?  And...what do you ever hope to accomplish going to all those classes?  To this day in my 7th decade the answer is....I have no idea.

My day job allowed me the extra money to spend on classes and the challenge studying ballet fit my body/mind/spirit perfectly.  Life happens and eight months ago I had a hip injury that took me away from the barre and not even able to take a step without pain.  I had no idea if or when I would be able to go back to class until a few weeks ago and wah lah.....Healed and ready to go the first week of 2017.

Now unemployed for the first time in 25 years I find myself resisting what has presented itself.  Martha Graham said...we are all athletes.  Whatever we spend the most time doing is our athletic endeavor.  In my 7th decade I never thought I would be looking for work to support myself instead of dancing.  My Athlete In Training Program now has to include looking for work?  UGH!!!  I find myself resisting every step.

This Monday morning I awoke with anxiety attacks.  I had to go to WorkSource to register for unemployment benefits.  I know all of the self-help steps to take when overcome with fear.  Did not matter.  I had to go through the process.  Diarrhea, feeling physically weak and disoriented, negative stories dominating my mind telling me I should NOT HAVE TO DO THIS!!!

Okay...get a grip.....gave myself an Athlete In Training pep talk.  Realizing challenges come to us in many different forms.  And they are not supposed to be easy.  Just Do It...the same message I have given myself a zillion times in ballet class I had to use now.

At the State of Oregon offices it was not pretty.  Many people needing help and one man saying he had been there three hours already.  The agent that finally called my name and took me through the steps of enrollment said...I don't have to ask you if you speak good English because I already know...you were not very happy when I came to get you.  I said...its a good thing it does not ask for...good or bad attitude because you would have checked...bad.

At the end of the 2 hour process to register she told me she thought we were close personal friends because of all the information she had to ask me.  I stood up and said....thank you so much ......and asked her name as I put my hand out to shake hands.  She stood up and said......NO.  Then she grabbed me and gave me the biggest bear hug ever,

I was so happy every step to my car felt like I was DANCING ON AIR.  Lesson learned....resistance can lead to love when you let it happen.   And the dance of life comes in many different forms...not just at the barre.   

Growing Pains

Does anything in life happen by chance?

I am an INFP (Idealist) according to Myers Briggs test. In order to evolve into a whole balanced personality I need to work on my opposite traits ESTJ (Guardians).  Was it by chance when I graduated from Marylhurst University to start my own business my boyfriend at the time was an ESTJ?  I am great at preparing to take risks and try new things yet want to wait for an ideal time to proceed.   He was the one that insisted....DO IT NOW!!!  And showed me the way.  The best is to  have friends along the way that can SHOW you instead of TELL you what to do. 

Running my own business Creative Dance For Children for a few years I realized it was time to move on.  Designing Body/Mind/Spirit workshops, teaching yoga classes, promoting fitness classes, being a student of ballet and working as a research analyst fit my personality better. 

When a hip/back injury hit eight months ago my dance classes came to an end.  Every little step I took was acute pain and going for a walk is an exercise I always took for granted.  Now it was just to painful.  I put together my own program to heal using Esther Gokhale's book....8 Steps to a Pain Free Back.  I learned that in order to heal physically I had to do the OPPOSITE of what I normally do.

Last month with my injury healed I was looking to start 2017 back at the barre.. but BOOM.  My job was no longer available and with no supplemental income even with my UE benefits I do not feel right going to ballet.  My conditioning is to work then play.  Is that true?  My pattern is to shut down, close in, until work comes again.  There is no growth when repeating patterns so...

Athlete in training.....what now?  The opposite of what I normally do.   Meet friends for lunch...get on Facebook... create space for inner guidance.  Breathing breathng breathing.     trust the process.

Growing pains.....stay tuned

Athlete In Training Program Starting January 2017

Boarding Uber outside my apartment in major snowstorm January 2017

This blog is about Women Who Dare...in their 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th decade of life.  Please join me and share your stories, tips, about your journey to be yourself.  That is the most daring thing we can do.  I call myself an Athlete In Trainng.  My nickname is Pavlova.  I design and implement training sessions for myself and others.  This is my NEW PROGRAM starting January 2017.

 Friday January 13th after working for the same company for 25 years and in my 7th decade of life I hear....YOU'RE FIRED!!!  That is what I heard.  Reality is I have been laid off because my job is moving to Las Cruses, NM.  I am now in the Land of the UE. 

After a night of mini anxiety attacks with visions of NO $ signs dancing in my head I begin Saturday January 14th curled up in my blanket in front of my picture window like a cat....feeling the warmth of the sun on my face while seeing inches of of snow covering streets and sidewalks.  I write down a quote in my journal to get myself moving...

"Now and then in this workaday world, things do happen in a delightful storybook fashion, and what a comfort that is."

I drink juice of 1/2 a lemon and fix my treat, a cup of Vanilla Carmel coffee.

Next comes my workout session a 15 minute weights routine at Hasfit.com and add some full body wake up yoga poses.

Then apply for UE online...text with family and friends...begin reading a new book "An Innocent Fashion" about following your dreams.  This evening I will watch some of my favorite YT channels.

For now...in this moment I am still basking in the sun streaming through my window.  "There is no such thing as an ordinary cat". 

Stay tuned...

What Is Your 2014 Challenge?

It's the kind of night that feels still.  It is 9:30PM.  There is a haunting lone train whistle in the night but at the same time feels like the song, all is calm all is bright.  People that write songs are amazing.  People who write are amazing.  I think writing must be like singing, drawing, all of the arts you either have a talent for it or you don't.  Then again I have read and believe from personal experience that as Woody Allen says, there is a story in your head you want to tell and only 60 percent of it comes out.

I also heard someone say the other day that when she was chosen to go to an Artist's Retreat Colony for a year to write a book she had started as soon ss she got there the book she was going to write disappeared or turned to crap in her head so she called her agent and was told...."write it anyway".  She said that was the greatest advice because if you keep tearing up and starting over you end up with nothing.  Better to go with awful and stick with it then mine it for gold and as she said she ended up with a book she had written.  It was not the book she wanted to write but it was a book and now she is writing another.

That is what ballet class feels like.  Always missing the mark.  Yes I feel progress but it is far short of what I think I could do would do will do next time.  Only once in a great while do I leave ballet class with a sense of accomplishment.  9 time out or 10 I leave not feeling depressed just a feeling of thinking I could or should be doing so much better.  Of course now I an not able to dance at all and I think it is going on 3 months.  My hip is healing each day so we shall see if I get to return to the barre in 2014.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I will walk the river early in the morning and again in the afternoon alone and the same on Christmas Day.  This alone time will recharge my batteries to prepare for my family and trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.  Me who is way out of my comfort zone around people celebrating the incoming New Year in Vegas baby will be a trip.  This coming year my horoscope tells me the Cosmos has scheduled me to instigate some major creative activity in 2014.  Instigating is not my strong point.  But I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE!!!!  I hope.

Best Gifts EVER!!!!!!

Here we go....a few days before Chritmas....wheee.  Feel like I am on the upside of a roller coaster.  A total surprise I get to see my daughter and grand children for Christmas.....and a trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.  My life just turned into a whirlwind with one phone call.  Me who stays home alone for the Holidays is really going to be taking a risk.....going out of my comfort zone for sure... to ring in the New Year 2014.

Yes I feel like I am already on the joy train and want to savor each moment.  This moment NOW just being with the experience and not trying to shape it or form it into anything other than what it is.....PURE JOY!!!

Maybe I am being re-born.....shedding some skin and coming out of my cocoon free.  where my normal habits and ways of doing things are being shaken up and my rigid discipline and strict ballet class mentality is taking a huge vacation. Maybe what I had planned for myself with 5 ballet classes a week with no excuses and sticking to the program no matter what has slowly turned into the opposite with no ballet classes.   If I just stay out of the way and let things evolve I will be happy and LOVE w surrounds us in many ways.

I know what I did with my hip.  Forced myself to class, tried to make adjustments and tried to ignore the pain.  The healing process feels slow because I am not ignoring it.  My mind focuses on it 24/7.  Now is the time to allow change to happen and observe the beauty when I stay out of the way.  Beauty Is when you are not.  When only the energy and the perfume and the essence is the focus.

Tis the Season...this is where I live and what it looks like right now.  The beauty of Mt. Hood is my gift everyday. 

I Want To Be Like Kathy

 Today I was more relaxed when aware my thoughts went to exercise. This  more peaceful place led me to my walk when I arrived home and follow through on my stretches.  One of the ways to stay motivated is to ingrain and remember the feeling of how it feels when keeping commitments and following through on healthy choices.  I am savoring this feeling.

A message from one of my best friends in my Inbox at work this morning.  To follow our inner guidance, take risks, have the clarity to choose which risks to take...and follow the hero's path into the new year 2014.  I am all about it!!!!

On my walk tonight it came to me that I may never find another exercise class to replace ballet class and that is okay.  My exercise can always be a long walk and stretches that I enjoy instead of forcing myself to go to a gym or a yoga class that I am not in tune with just because it is an exercise class.  I do not NEED a class I can be my own class and my own teacher.  This opens me to learning what is NEW??  My Inner Guidance needs a clear playing field so old ideas, old rules, old wants needs to be left alone.  When I hear...."you should...you have to.....you need to...." all can be listened to and then left alone. 

Looking forward to comic relief tonight with a Kathy Griffin special.   I want a friend like her or want to be funny like her.  I took an Improv class once hoping I could learn to be funny and it was NOT FUN.  I was terrible at improv.  When I watch Kathy she makes it look so easy to find the funny in everything and I love her expressions.  Then I think.....hey I can do that.  YEAH RIGHT!!!

A Life With No Goal

What if I give up on everything my heart is not in?  Ballet class is a discipline and you just show up.  No excuses.  The training is strict and the mind needs to be sharp.  When I cannot go to class my mind turns to mush.  I want to keep some kind of activity going and have no idea what to do.

I am cold.  Physically and mentally so I need to stop writing nonsense.  There is nothing to report.  All is blank.  I know how much pain people are suffering and do not see how they get the courage to go through it.  I don't know anything.  Living in that place of not knowing feels deadening but also liberating.

I'm cold, hungry and tired.  Tonight with no exercise feels like I am losing a battle to stay healthy.  What am I going to do about it?  Eat a good dinner and smile, and just keep at it.  Stay focused on what is in front of me even when I feel like I am losing ground.  Can I let go of all goals and live my life from a place of not knowing anything?  Not having a goal feels so scary.  How can I live without one?

  Twenty five years of dance and I may be moving on.....or not.  I don't know.