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Monday, December 23, 2013

What Is Your 2014 Challenge?

It's the kind of night that feels still.  It is 9:30PM.  There is a haunting lone train whistle in the night but at the same time feels like the song, all is calm all is bright.  People that write songs are amazing.  People who write are amazing.  I think writing must be like singing, drawing, all of the arts you either have a talent for it or you don't.  Then again I have read and believe from personal experience that as Woody Allen says, there is a story in your head you want to tell and only 60 percent of it comes out.

I also heard someone say the other day that when she was chosen to go to an Artist's Retreat Colony for a year to write a book she had started as soon ss she got there the book she was going to write disappeared or turned to crap in her head so she called her agent and was told...."write it anyway".  She said that was the greatest advice because if you keep tearing up and starting over you end up with nothing.  Better to go with awful and stick with it then mine it for gold and as she said she ended up with a book she had written.  It was not the book she wanted to write but it was a book and now she is writing another.

That is what ballet class feels like.  Always missing the mark.  Yes I feel progress but it is far short of what I think I could do would do will do next time.  Only once in a great while do I leave ballet class with a sense of accomplishment.  9 time out or 10 I leave not feeling depressed just a feeling of thinking I could or should be doing so much better.  Of course now I an not able to dance at all and I think it is going on 3 months.  My hip is healing each day so we shall see if I get to return to the barre in 2014.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I will walk the river early in the morning and again in the afternoon alone and the same on Christmas Day.  This alone time will recharge my batteries to prepare for my family and trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.  Me who is way out of my comfort zone around people celebrating the incoming New Year in Vegas baby will be a trip.  This coming year my horoscope tells me the Cosmos has scheduled me to instigate some major creative activity in 2014.  Instigating is not my strong point.  But I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE!!!!  I hope.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Best Gifts EVER!!!!!!

Here we go....a few days before Chritmas....wheee.  Feel like I am on the upside of a roller coaster.  A total surprise I get to see my daughter and grand children for Christmas.....and a trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.  My life just turned into a whirlwind with one phone call.  Me who stays home alone for the Holidays is really going to be taking a risk.....going out of my comfort zone for sure... to ring in the New Year 2014.

Yes I feel like I am already on the joy train and want to savor each moment.  This moment NOW just being with the experience and not trying to shape it or form it into anything other than what it is.....PURE JOY!!!

Maybe I am being re-born.....shedding some skin and coming out of my cocoon free.  where my normal habits and ways of doing things are being shaken up and my rigid discipline and strict ballet class mentality is taking a huge vacation. Maybe what I had planned for myself with 5 ballet classes a week with no excuses and sticking to the program no matter what has slowly turned into the opposite with no ballet classes.   If I just stay out of the way and let things evolve I will be happy and LOVE w surrounds us in many ways.

I know what I did with my hip.  Forced myself to class, tried to make adjustments and tried to ignore the pain.  The healing process feels slow because I am not ignoring it.  My mind focuses on it 24/7.  Now is the time to allow change to happen and observe the beauty when I stay out of the way.  Beauty Is when you are not.  When only the energy and the perfume and the essence is the focus.

Tis the Season...this is where I live and what it looks like right now.  The beauty of Mt. Hood is my gift everyday. 



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

I Want To Be Like Kathy

 Today I was more relaxed when aware my thoughts went to exercise. This  more peaceful place led me to my walk when I arrived home and follow through on my stretches.  One of the ways to stay motivated is to ingrain and remember the feeling of how it feels when keeping commitments and following through on healthy choices.  I am savoring this feeling.

A message from one of my best friends in my Inbox at work this morning.  To follow our inner guidance, take risks, have the clarity to choose which risks to take...and follow the hero's path into the new year 2014.  I am all about it!!!!

On my walk tonight it came to me that I may never find another exercise class to replace ballet class and that is okay.  My exercise can always be a long walk and stretches that I enjoy instead of forcing myself to go to a gym or a yoga class that I am not in tune with just because it is an exercise class.  I do not NEED a class I can be my own class and my own teacher.  This opens me to learning what is NEW??  My Inner Guidance needs a clear playing field so old ideas, old rules, old wants needs to be left alone.  When I hear...."you should...you have to.....you need to...." all can be listened to and then left alone. 

Looking forward to comic relief tonight with a Kathy Griffin special.   I want a friend like her or want to be funny like her.  I took an Improv class once hoping I could learn to be funny and it was NOT FUN.  I was terrible at improv.  When I watch Kathy she makes it look so easy to find the funny in everything and I love her expressions.  Then I think.....hey I can do that.  YEAH RIGHT!!!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

A Life With No Goal

What if I give up on everything my heart is not in?  Ballet class is a discipline and you just show up.  No excuses.  The training is strict and the mind needs to be sharp.  When I cannot go to class my mind turns to mush.  I want to keep some kind of activity going and have no idea what to do.

I am cold.  Physically and mentally so I need to stop writing nonsense.  There is nothing to report.  All is blank.  I know how much pain people are suffering and do not see how they get the courage to go through it.  I don't know anything.  Living in that place of not knowing feels deadening but also liberating.

I'm cold, hungry and tired.  Tonight with no exercise feels like I am losing a battle to stay healthy.  What am I going to do about it?  Eat a good dinner and smile, and just keep at it.  Stay focused on what is in front of me even when I feel like I am losing ground.  Can I let go of all goals and live my life from a place of not knowing anything?  Not having a goal feels so scary.  How can I live without one?
  Twenty five years of dance and I may be moving on.....or not.  I don't know.




Monday, December 16, 2013

Falling And Getting Up Again and Again

  Freezing cold after work today so no walk no stretches no exercise for this athlete.  Maybe I am in transition to a different endeavor.  Too many expectations when I label myself an athlete so I will let that go.  I am my own personal trainer and coach.  Who has ever heard being too cold an excuse for not exercising when one has a cozy apartment with a carpet to stretch out on?.

Martha Graham said, "we are all athletes in training.  Whatever you spend MOST of your time doing is your athletic endeavor."   Currently my endeavor is putting one foot in front of the other and that means doing a lot of what feels like absolutely nothing.
Monday night 5PM normally I would be heading to ballet class.  Is there a normal?  What do I mean by normal?  When my routine gets changed I feel I am not normal.  WHAT???Who wants to live their life in a routine anyway?  I would be the last to raise my hand and yet when I cannot accomplish what I plan to do I feel like something is wrong and I need to fix it NOW!  Life is so much more complicated so through all my lessons what have I learned?  My response to change wavers back and forth between feeling angry and sad with sprinkles of relaxing and smiling knowing this too shall pass.

Derrick Rose an NBA athlete has not spoken for 17 days.  One year he was the youngest player to be voted "MVP".   Last year he had to take the whole season off to heal a torn knee.  He just came back this year to play again only a few games then tore his other knee and is out for the rest of this year.  He is 24 years old.  His mother told him "inspiration comes in times of adversity".  He shrugged his shoulders.
 When I read this story today my heart went out to him. My prayer is he will find a way to heal and the courage that will take may help others along the way.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Getting Old Is So Easy

Sunday walk on the river and stretches for my exercise.  My hip is along way from ballet class.  I repeated automatically today over and over....I need an exercise PROGRAM.  Why are they so hard to find??  I was driving by the Naturopathic College and thought WHY do they not have physical fitness classes?  Soooo maddening.  Maybe if I get angry enough I will give up on exercise all together.  I have been known to go to extremes and I am feeling so much like that right now.

I swear there is not one subject I am interested in taking.  Nothing interests me in the slightest.  Oh a free workshop on how to write?  Could care less.  Open enrollment at any Health Club in town after Christmas.  NOT INTERESTED.  Free yoga classes starting tomorrow in my neighborhood.  I don't care!!!!!!

Getting old is about not leariing and not inspired to learn.  Hey Me....I am getting old!!!!!

 Downton Abbey is on TV tonight.  I did not get on that train when everyone else did.  I have only watched bits and pieces but I adore BRITISH TV.   British everything really.  It does seem to be the most refined drama on TV and I normally do not have time to watch.  But tonight...I have all the time in the world to become a vegetable and just watch other people live their lives even if it is made for TV.  Tonight is called a marathon of the past 3 episodes to lead up to the premier of the new shows in January.   SERIOUSLY???  This is going to be my life? 
 Next I will be purchasing their line of jewelry at Macy's!!!!!!!!  Please help me.





Saturday, December 14, 2013

Mind Games And Exercise

A walk along the river this morning at 11AM then yoga stretches.  My hip feeling on the mend until....tonight.  An afternoon of shopping stressed my hip area and now feel like I may never be able to go to ballet class again or any exercise class.

Looked up classes at PCC tonight and they offer not one class I would have access to either because  time of day or location.  It is just nutso.  Mind games are incessant.  So what if I can never take another dance class?  My mother had so many different interests.  I wonder why I do not.  I could name a million things I have no interest in learning how to do and only one that I want to learn and that is as good as over with for me.  ONWARD!!!

Writing my thoughts down does not FEEL like it is helping a thing.  Remind myself this is NOT an exercise about RESULTS it is about looking for patterns.

"You can't wait for inspiration you have to go after it with a club" ,,,Jack London

Claire Willi started dancing at the age of 75.  Today at age 96 she is more lean and agile than most people half her age.  I cut this article our of Dance Magazine a zillion years ago and hung it on my wall for inspiration.  You can't get better than AWESOME!!!!