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Saturday, February 11, 2017

For Self Healing Start Here

Whoa Whoa Whoa...I am very late to this party

I believe my purpose in life is to teach.  I played the role of teacher as long as I can remember.  In third grade my parents set up a tent in my back yard so I could invite all of the neighbor children over and I was the teacher.  Too young to have a subject to teach the kids came because I gave out grape juice and graham crackers.  But only to those who behaved.  My mom told me the parents would call  to say their child would not be coming back because...I was too bossy!!!

My favorite cousin also loved to play school so every time we got together we had imaginary students we spent hours teaching.  I never wanted to be a traditional teacher so did not go down that path.  When pursuing my degree in college I did find myself designing and implementing Hatha Yoga classes for adults and teaching Creative Dance for Children and would have continued if I could have figured out a way to support myself doing it.  Had to move on.

For the past 25 years I have been happy as a student of classical ballet.  My last class was in April of 2016 because of injury.   I found myself having to be my own teacher. . I used Ester Gokhale's book and healed in 8 months ready to go back to the barre.  Now comes the ultimate challenge.   My brand new lifestyle in the land of the unemployment. Having to find work to support myself suddenly those  3 little words are meaningful.   I want to post it everywhere.  Maybe I will even wear it?  No......too far

Being my own teacher is much harder than teaching others.  Learning to be The Warrior archetype to: get decisive... keep the personal out of it... a brand new concept for me.  I have always made all  decisions based on how I "feel" about the situation.  A new attitude is needed now.

I am learning all of life is Impersonal.  We just make it personal Caroline Myss says.  Over the years through counseling and personal studies I know how to catch myself when telling stories in my mind that make me feel hurt and I am able to say.....STOP IT!!!! 

 What is new is advice to myself  to get out of the way and make objective choices.  In order to make a change for Self Healing Meir Schneider writes.....Whatever you were the opposite.  START THERE!!!!  It sounds simplistic but it is what I did to heal my hip injury.   No matter if it is an injury or illness or any kind of change I will choose to observe every feeling... thought,... and action... from an IMPERSONAL perspective..not judging it as good...or bad....and move forward from there.  JUST DO IT.   Ms. Bossy!!!

Stay tuned...

Friday, February 3, 2017

Where Is My Inspiration

My daughter, myself
My daughter is my number one INSPIRATION!!!  Every night she will text me a workout she is doing.  "Just ran the hill now doing the P90X ab ripper".  But she also remembers in High School when she would make fun of me every morning when she would hear me working out to the Jane Fonda cassette tape.  She even remembers some of the songs. 

It is so icy and cold here.  Just when I think I have established my new AITP with a one hour walk up the San Francisco Hills in my neighbor hood......oh nooooooo....its too windy and cold for me.  I do my 15 minute HasFit weights routine and yoga balance poses and call it DONE.

I do not lack for inspiration though.  This woman walks by my apartment EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT for the past ten years at least.  Once I had a chance to tell her how much I admired her consistency.

"I don't think of it that way" she said  "I just love it"

I said, "but you walk in wind, rain, hail, ice, and snow, weather I don't even like to drive"

"I just love all the elements" she said as she walked away.

She has no idea she is my role model.

Emailing my resume this week to various health and wellness clinics felt less like job hunting and more like fishing.  I never liked to fish but I did love being with my Dad.  He taught me fishing requires patience.  I had none.  He never knew he was my role model in the Art of Waiting.

Okay...Game Plan for next week.....

*  Pay attention to who and what I admire because that is where I am being led

*  Walk the SF Hills everyday

*  Keep fishing for work

*  Ask myself......"ARE YOU LISTENING?


Friday, January 27, 2017

All I Want To Do Is Dance

Just Do It
My nickname is Pavlova.  My first time ballet class ever was in my late 40's.  I had no idea how to stand at the barre or what foot to use.  Life had brought me to begin to study idea why.  My friends named me Pavlova because I was always in class.  With every injury I had they would say...Are you sure you should be taking so many classes?  And...what do you ever hope to accomplish going to all those classes?  To this day in my 7th decade the answer is....I have no idea.

My day job allowed me the extra money to spend on classes and the challenge studying ballet fit my body/mind/spirit perfectly.  Life happens and eight months ago I had a hip injury that took me away from the barre and not even able to take a step without pain.  I had no idea if or when I would be able to go back to class until a few weeks ago and wah lah.....Healed and ready to go the first week of 2017.

Now unemployed for the first time in 25 years I find myself resisting what has presented itself.  Martha Graham said...we are all athletes.  Whatever we spend the most time doing is our athletic endeavor.  In my 7th decade I never thought I would be looking for work to support myself instead of dancing.  My Athlete In Training Program now has to include looking for work?  UGH!!!  I find myself resisting every step.

This Monday morning I awoke with anxiety attacks.  I had to go to WorkSource to register for unemployment benefits.  I know all of the self-help steps to take when overcome with fear.  Did not matter.  I had to go through the process.  Diarrhea, feeling physically weak and disoriented, negative stories dominating my mind telling me I should NOT HAVE TO DO THIS!!!

Okay...get a grip.....gave myself an Athlete In Training pep talk.  Realizing challenges come to us in many different forms.  And they are not supposed to be easy.  Just Do It...the same message I have given myself a zillion times in ballet class I had to use now.

At the State of Oregon offices it was not pretty.  Many people needing help and one man saying he had been there three hours already.  The agent that finally called my name and took me through the steps of enrollment said...I don't have to ask you if you speak good English because I already were not very happy when I came to get you.  I said...its a good thing it does not ask for...good or bad attitude because you would have checked...bad.

At the end of the 2 hour process to register she told me she thought we were close personal friends because of all the information she had to ask me.  I stood up and said....thank you so much ......and asked her name as I put my hand out to shake hands.  She stood up and said......NO.  Then she grabbed me and gave me the biggest bear hug ever,

I was so happy every step to my car felt like I was DANCING ON AIR.  Lesson learned....resistance can lead to love when you let it happen.   And the dance of life comes in many different forms...not just at the barre.   

Friday, January 20, 2017

Growing Pains

Does anything in life happen by chance?
I am an INFP (Idealist) according to Myers Briggs test. In order to evolve into a whole balanced personality I need to work on my opposite traits ESTJ (Guardians).  Was it by chance when I graduated from Marylhurst University to start my own business my boyfriend at the time was an ESTJ?  I am great at preparing to take risks and try new things yet want to wait for an ideal time to proceed.   He was the one that insisted....DO IT NOW!!!  And showed me the way.  The best is to  have friends along the way that can SHOW you instead of TELL you what to do. 

Running my own business Creative Dance For Children for a few years I realized it was time to move on.  Designing Body/Mind/Spirit workshops, teaching yoga classes, promoting fitness classes, being a student of ballet and working as a research analyst fit my personality better. 

When a hip/back injury hit eight months ago my dance classes came to an end.  Every little step I took was acute pain and going for a walk is an exercise I always took for granted.  Now it was just to painful.  I put together my own program to heal using Esther Gokhale's book....8 Steps to a Pain Free Back.  I learned that in order to heal physically I had to do the OPPOSITE of what I normally do.

Last month with my injury healed I was looking to start 2017 back at the barre.. but BOOM.  My job was no longer available and with no supplemental income even with my UE benefits I do not feel right going to ballet.  My conditioning is to work then play.  Is that true?  My pattern is to shut down, close in, until work comes again.  There is no growth when repeating patterns so...

Athlete in training.....what now?  The opposite of what I normally do.   Meet friends for lunch...get on Facebook... create space for inner guidance.  Breathing breathng breathing.     trust the process.

Growing pains.....stay tuned

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Athlete In Training Program Starting January 2017

Boarding Uber outside my apartment in major snowstorm January 2017
This blog is about Women Who their 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th decade of life.  Please join me and share your stories, tips, about your journey to be yourself.  That is the most daring thing we can do.  I call myself an Athlete In Trainng.  My nickname is Pavlova.  I design and implement training sessions for myself and others.  This is my NEW PROGRAM starting January 2017.

 Friday January 13th after working for the same company for 25 years and in my 7th decade of life I hear....YOU'RE FIRED!!!  That is what I heard.  Reality is I have been laid off because my job is moving to Las Cruses, NM.  I am now in the Land of the UE. 

After a night of mini anxiety attacks with visions of NO $ signs dancing in my head I begin Saturday January 14th curled up in my blanket in front of my picture window like a cat....feeling the warmth of the sun on my face while seeing inches of of snow covering streets and sidewalks.  I write down a quote in my journal to get myself moving...

"Now and then in this workaday world, things do happen in a delightful storybook fashion, and what a comfort that is."

I drink juice of 1/2 a lemon and fix my treat, a cup of Vanilla Carmel coffee.

Next comes my workout session a 15 minute weights routine at and add some full body wake up yoga poses.

Then apply for UE online...text with family and friends...begin reading a new book "An Innocent Fashion" about following your dreams.  This evening I will watch some of my favorite YT channels.

For this moment I am still basking in the sun streaming through my window.  "There is no such thing as an ordinary cat". 

Stay tuned...

Monday, December 23, 2013

What Is Your 2014 Challenge?

It's the kind of night that feels still.  It is 9:30PM.  There is a haunting lone train whistle in the night but at the same time feels like the song, all is calm all is bright.  People that write songs are amazing.  People who write are amazing.  I think writing must be like singing, drawing, all of the arts you either have a talent for it or you don't.  Then again I have read and believe from personal experience that as Woody Allen says, there is a story in your head you want to tell and only 60 percent of it comes out.

I also heard someone say the other day that when she was chosen to go to an Artist's Retreat Colony for a year to write a book she had started as soon ss she got there the book she was going to write disappeared or turned to crap in her head so she called her agent and was told...."write it anyway".  She said that was the greatest advice because if you keep tearing up and starting over you end up with nothing.  Better to go with awful and stick with it then mine it for gold and as she said she ended up with a book she had written.  It was not the book she wanted to write but it was a book and now she is writing another.

That is what ballet class feels like.  Always missing the mark.  Yes I feel progress but it is far short of what I think I could do would do will do next time.  Only once in a great while do I leave ballet class with a sense of accomplishment.  9 time out or 10 I leave not feeling depressed just a feeling of thinking I could or should be doing so much better.  Of course now I an not able to dance at all and I think it is going on 3 months.  My hip is healing each day so we shall see if I get to return to the barre in 2014.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I will walk the river early in the morning and again in the afternoon alone and the same on Christmas Day.  This alone time will recharge my batteries to prepare for my family and trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.  Me who is way out of my comfort zone around people celebrating the incoming New Year in Vegas baby will be a trip.  This coming year my horoscope tells me the Cosmos has scheduled me to instigate some major creative activity in 2014.  Instigating is not my strong point.  But I AM UP FOR THE CHALLENGE!!!!  I hope.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Best Gifts EVER!!!!!!

Here we go....a few days before Chritmas....wheee.  Feel like I am on the upside of a roller coaster.  A total surprise I get to see my daughter and grand children for Christmas.....and a trip to Las Vegas for New Years Eve.  My life just turned into a whirlwind with one phone call.  Me who stays home alone for the Holidays is really going to be taking a risk.....going out of my comfort zone for sure... to ring in the New Year 2014.

Yes I feel like I am already on the joy train and want to savor each moment.  This moment NOW just being with the experience and not trying to shape it or form it into anything other than what it is.....PURE JOY!!!

Maybe I am being re-born.....shedding some skin and coming out of my cocoon free.  where my normal habits and ways of doing things are being shaken up and my rigid discipline and strict ballet class mentality is taking a huge vacation. Maybe what I had planned for myself with 5 ballet classes a week with no excuses and sticking to the program no matter what has slowly turned into the opposite with no ballet classes.   If I just stay out of the way and let things evolve I will be happy and LOVE w surrounds us in many ways.

I know what I did with my hip.  Forced myself to class, tried to make adjustments and tried to ignore the pain.  The healing process feels slow because I am not ignoring it.  My mind focuses on it 24/7.  Now is the time to allow change to happen and observe the beauty when I stay out of the way.  Beauty Is when you are not.  When only the energy and the perfume and the essence is the focus.

Tis the Season...this is where I live and what it looks like right now.  The beauty of Mt. Hood is my gift everyday.