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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

A Life With No Goal

What if I give up on everything my heart is not in?  Ballet class is a discipline and you just show up.  No excuses.  The training is strict and the mind needs to be sharp.  When I cannot go to class my mind turns to mush.  I want to keep some kind of activity going and have no idea what to do.

I am cold.  Physically and mentally so I need to stop writing nonsense.  There is nothing to report.  All is blank.  I know how much pain people are suffering and do not see how they get the courage to go through it.  I don't know anything.  Living in that place of not knowing feels deadening but also liberating.

I'm cold, hungry and tired.  Tonight with no exercise feels like I am losing a battle to stay healthy.  What am I going to do about it?  Eat a good dinner and smile, and just keep at it.  Stay focused on what is in front of me even when I feel like I am losing ground.  Can I let go of all goals and live my life from a place of not knowing anything?  Not having a goal feels so scary.  How can I live without one?
  Twenty five years of dance and I may be moving on.....or not.  I don't know.

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