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Monday, January 23, 2012

Love Of Self

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About 25 years ago I was working on a Social Science degree at Marylhurst College when I was asked to be a speaker at a Women's retreat.  One of my mentors helped me put together a topic that was very controversial at the time and still is to a lesser degree in 2012.  I had struggled with low self esteem growing up always wanting to be different than who I was.  My mentor told me I should speak on that topic.

I called my talk, "Love Of Self" and forget now how I put it together but I do remember the comments I received afterwards telling me how much they appreciated my personal story and how they could relate.  My mother would tell me after the age of 50 things in general get easier.  I have found that to be true for me.  There is a peace of mind that comes with age.   Striving to be better, do more, accomplish something, get ahead, all seem to smooth themselves out over the years.   Now when I get caught up in the competition of life, and I do, the difference is now I can be aware of what is going on and let it go in various ways.

My workplace is a fierce environment of competition.  I work for quota's to be met and notice myself wanting to be the top producer and when I am not it bothers me a great deal until I see what I am doing.  Ballet class is another place where I find my ego struggling to feel "good enough" and then get down on myself if I can't get the combination and judge myself terribly.

Last night I wrote down a quote by Oscar Wilde.  "To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance.."  I wrote it down because it touched me somehow all these years later after giving my talk.  Then this morning a co-worker sent me an inspirational quote and part of that quote said...."May you be content with yourself just the way you are."  I know this message will continue to help me because my striving can get way out of balance when I least expect it.

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